The six ceremonies

Indoctrination takes one full season or forty lobs, whichever the candidate survives.

1. The Summoning

   The candidate finds a single ball in their bag that was not there before. It is slightly flat. There is no note. They will know.

2. The Vigil of the Open Face

   From dusk until the court lights time out, the candidate holds a continental grip with the strings turned to the heavens. They may not close the face. Not even for a sitter.

3. The Renunciation of Pace

   Before the assembled Order, the candidate hits one forehand as hard as they can. It strikes the back fence. Everyone asks, softly, “And how did that feel?” The candidate is handed a towel and forgiven.

4. The Trial of Three Overheads

   Three perfect sitters are fed to the candidate. All three must be allowed to bounce, then lobbed back. Anyone who smashes is walked, without judgement, to the pickleball courts.

5. The Anointing

   A fresh can is opened above the candidate’s head. The hiss is observed in silence. The Grand Lobmaster touches the strings and says a word nobody has ever quite caught.

6. The First Ascension

   The candidate lobs. The Order looks up. Nobody speaks until it lands. Minutes are kept, in both senses.

Standing procedures

From the Canon, which is kept on a very high shelf.

Procedure 7On being lobbed by a non-member

Lob back. Higher. This is called a conversation.

Procedure 12Wind

Wind is not an obstacle. Wind is a doubles partner who cannot be seen and never poaches.

Procedure 19Indoor courts

The ceiling is a known agent of the Smash Lobby. Scout the rafters on arrival. File a report.

Procedure 23The handshake

At the net, after the match, glance up before shaking hands. They will not know why. They will look up too. They always look up.

Procedure 31Line calls

A member never calls their own lob out. If asked, say “I didn’t see it, I was looking at you looking at it.”

Procedure 40When the lob is finally smashed for a winner

Nod once. Say “too good.” Lob the next four.

Heresies

Shots the Order does not recognise.

• The overhead smashViolence. And worse, impatience.
• The drop shotA lob that lost its faith.
• The passing shotWhy go past a person when you can go over them and let them think about it?
• Serve and volleyVolunteering.
• The tweenerPlease see someone.